When you find out, let me know...

I feel like that at the moment.

I just..I know we all grow up and change and everything but I feel like I am not the person I should have grown up to be.

I used to know my mind and follow it and now I don’t seem to be able to.

I used to read and sing and I loved both of those activities but now I rarely do either.

I used to listen to music every night as I fell asleep too. When did that stop?

I am the biggest anti-smoking person there is, and last night I let someone put a cigarette in my mouth. When I say let, I did protest but not enough. I could have knocked it out of their hands after all. Or tried harder to turn away or whatever. In any case I just coughed out all of the smoke. And it has confirmed to me that I do not like smoking at all. I’m a fucking asthmatic. What were we doing? I don’t know how long my breathing will be paying the price for this. One half-inhaled drag will not kill me but I feel a little violated. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel like I should have been stronger. I should have had more control.

And that’s ultimately my problem here. I feel like my life is out of my control. When it is obviously not. If I do not control my life, who does? Why would I let someone else do so?

I make decisions and then allow others to override them. I push down what I feel to keep the peace. When did I become so small that I felt I didn’t matter?

I thought I was an assertive person. It seems I am not. 

I say things as jokes that I don’t find funny. I swear a lot. I spend my time acting the part of Amy Diviney. I am no longer her. I am so many things to so many different people that I don’t know who I am. Neither of these things endear myself to me. 

I have prided myself on being capable. And I’m realising that I’m not really. Which is hard. And I’m not really sure where to start to fix it.